SeekingHuda

Turning senseless

2012-02-15T23:16:00.000+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

Source: tinyhappy.typepad.com via Lee on Pinterest

Even at the expense of dragging yourself to work and despite all the piled up work, there is always something so beautiful in a day, everyday.

These days, I have not failed to notice the sun rays spilling through spaces of trees and branches when I cycle through Tampines Eco Green. Its so beautiful I have the desire to just sit and watch and forget work altogether.

Staring at my organizer now and I am just stunned at the list of things. I feel so lost and unsure where to start. When my mind gets all crammed up, my only solace is to have it written down.

Hussein and Mubarak are now getting too comfy with me and today, I gave them a harsh lecture when they playfully used my colored markers and drew on each other's hands and arms. They got into an awkward silence and I just could not help but smile at them. If only teaching was as pleasant at my special school. Things over there is like a boiling kettle about to let off a shrilling sound.

"We are stuck in cubicles.

Appreciating little things that we only see in face value."

That was what Shaykh Alaeddin El Bakri said of us last weekend. I fear I am turning into one. Shallow minded and senseless.

"We get fascinated by artificial things.

Why don't we say "Wow" to the real things in nature?"

Allah is trying to capture our attention. We need to see more of nature and its horizons. But because they all come for free and in abundance, we forget it exists. Like AIR. It is so clear that we need it that we missed it. We do not appreciate it anymore.

So despite all the challenges and the never ending lists of what-nots, I remember this that I read in Etsko Schuitema's book "The Millenium Discourse":

If something affects you or if something afflicts you, say "Alhamdulillah, I know there is a blessing in this; I just cannot see it right now."

Reminder for myself, Huda. Reflect deeply. Nothing comes from Allah without vain. It is only for the betterment of our body, mind and soul. Seeing difficulty at face value would only cause misery.

One's memories

2012-02-15T01:34:00.001+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Merciful

The silence is deafening

Hands ticking

My mind wanders

Down the deep dark memories

He was right

The devil refreshes our mind

With pain & regret

Fresh tears flow

Like it happened so long ago

A weakness I must move on

From marks of scars

That leaves me back

Make it now

A reason for strength

If He has mercy

Then I must have too

For my special heart

For my iman

Amin.

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Frustrations

2012-02-14T23:13:00.001+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

Coffee breaks. Tea breaks. Sitting down at a cafe. Listening to oldies. Read a book and watch people go by.

I've been wanting to do all those these days. To just mellow down on my own.

School is just buzzing around with changes with the new principal. With the new school year, my upcoming studies and many other plans ahead, I am starting to doubt if I can get used to the changes myself. My to-do list is just getting longer by the day and I am not even catching up. Things seem to be happening overnight.

What feels even worse is that I am also doing disservice to my students. I feel helpless in an unsupportive environment who only wants to see things done on paper and they tell us, "Oh you know, its only written but you know we know, its just impossible to do." Then, what is the point of a lesson plan when you cannot execute it at all? I feel like I am in a deep pit back to square one swimming around in oceans of bombardment.

Just try. Try your best. They say. But how long can we keep trying?

Am I complaining? Then leave. They might say.

I love my job. I really do. The children were what we came for.

So that means live with it in silence? And see things going down down down?

Wait or?

2012-02-05T01:14:00.002+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

"There is always something better around the corner. Maybe that is what she should do. Wait for something better to come around the corner."

"Maybe. But if she is not careful, she could spend her whole life waiting."

Energized

2012-01-29T09:05:00.000+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

Good morning. Rise and shine:)

Its January and its been raining a lot still when the rainy/winter season should have been long gone last December. So it gets really cold and chilly in my house. I am not in the greatest state of health either and is running a temperature on and off with a really sore throat. My heart and faith is going downhill too. Hence, the lack of energy.

I thought I needed to do something about it and eliminate whatever that is going on around me that is affecting me.

I realized that the one thing that is most affecting me is waiting for something to come around and not being sure if it will come. I know plans and decisions are left to Allah and I have already done what I am supposed to do, so all I am left is to wait. However, waiting is such a torturous feeling and requires a whole lot of patience. To help myself and my faith, I have decided to stop it altogether and sweep it under the carpet for me to deal with it later. I think it best deem fit to protect me emotionally.

I feel better now and I feel grounded. Not hanging in the air anymore alhamdulillah. I know Allah will help me through this if I am doing it for the sake of Him.

I did a whole lot yesterday keeping myself busy. I had a good hearty breakfast at a cafe with my mum and we had a heart to heart talk once again. Sometimes, I wonder how I will ever do without her when she listens to me talk through my problems. No one else can ever be a better listener. I cleaned my room, mopped the whole house and brushed the toilet madly. Well...more like passionately.

Also, I did a series of exercises that had me aching till now. However, they were an adrenaline rush and I felt like a new moving engine once again. This is for my sisters who wants to get in shape but are too shy to do so outside:

* Did this to warm myself up and get me motivated. Super fun!

* Then got serious and did this. It was tiring but invigorating.

* I went a little more crazy and did this. Warning...breathless...

* But I was wanting more so I did my usual daily routine which is skipping.

* Then it was my favourite part, Pilates! So I did this, this and this.

You do not need to follow in the sequence above because it is entirely up to you. Cassey Ho has so many to choose from and she is adding spice into my exercise routines so I do not feel bored or stagnant anymore.

Stay active and healthy people!

New routines

2012-01-24T20:40:00.001+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

So I have started a new exercise routine recently and it has got me oh-so-aching but they are wonderful for especially the Muslim ladies who are too shy to exercise outdoors and feel comfortable in the comforts of their own home, yet want to get in shape.

Which is also a responsibility of ours to keep this body of ours healthy for more energy-boosting ibadah right?

And because it has its effects on me, I want to share it with you girls if you have not checked it out:

Cassey Ho's BlogilatesTV

Currently, I am doing this and this with skipping and dancing.

Stay active and healthy people!

Rough and smooth

2012-01-20T01:41:00.000+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

"Rough and smooth"

A friend said it on our telephone conversation and that seems to sum it all up.

Things don't always stay the same. All of us know that.

But every failure gives off a different feeling and every difficulty has a different solution. Like how every student is different and a teacher can never guide or teach the same way with every student. Paddling on rocky roads or steep slopes. Rough sometimes, smooth sailing on some days.

I was frustrated with myself for failing to see the signs that trigger anger causing harm to myself and a couple of my students. What could I have done better to control the situation and alleviate violence? Being attacked by my student was my first and I had to remain calm and composed but inside, my heart was pounding and my hands were shaking. I knew it was partly my fault and I would never have expected my kid to be reacting in violence to get his way. However, I can never feel angry towards him because he does not know and only did it out of pure instinct. I can only be angry with myself for not seeing things, for not thinking through enough.

The new school term is really tight. Everyday I come to work expecting things to happen and I have a gut feeling that there is more to come for me to learn and grow. May Allah protect me.

My level of faith has not been going well too.

Yut, my beloved kampong cat may have died too. My mum heard someone saying, "Your cat was knocked down by the car!" to my granny while on a telephone conversation. My granny probably rushed to see and has not called back. So we are not really sure which cat died. Putih or Yut??? I know very well it is Yut because he likes running across roads and wandering off on his own outside his territory. My heart feels so sore thinking about it. I can cry so much but death is inevitable...

Changes. It happens all the time. And I am teaching it to my students tomorrow about dealing with changes.

May Allah give us strength and patience.

More thankfulness

2012-01-15T17:43:00.000+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

When I am off work, I really enjoy my weekends when I am doing something productive, meaningful and basically, anything that keeps my mind off work. Not that I am not enjoying work because I do! But it would be a great refresher to start the week of school all over again from Mondays to Fridays and the cycle goes on and on.

I know I should be writing on something very beneficial to all of you readers, ghosts and what-nots (if there are), but I am in the mood of rattling a list of things I should be grateful for!

* Keeping me alive after a slight bicycling accident. I had my first and I hope the last mishap with a car and had my hands rolled under wheels. A difference in time of a few seconds could have me flying and by Allah's grace, it did not occur.

* A very positive performance appraisal and I hope it gets better this year.

* The time to finish my work despite my habit for procrastinating (which means I did not!).

* A positive start to the school term (adorable students, abundance of volunteers and more opportunities to take up bigger projects).

* Leisure cycling to Pulau Ubin and the many parts of Singapore with friends.

* Many time slots in my life to seek knowledge and volunteer teaching despite my work.

* My dad's blessings and all the others around me.

Also, I know I have not taken any time or effort to come back to Cambodia the past year of 2011. There were just too much for me to face after many things happened. Strangely, these past months had offers for me to go back. I thought they were signs for me to return and yet, I still could not. Despite all that, I had an unexpected call from a friend last friday who is going and just left for Siem reap to the Muslim village this morning. Only then do I recall of another acquaintance who collected 3 boxes of old clothes and books and had wanted me to send it over. A very sudden plan but my family and I managed to have them filtered and re-packed yesterday just in time for this morning's flight. I could not have done it without Allah's guidance and the kindness of my friends.

A while ago, I had a text message from my friend who arrived safely in Siem Reap and memories flooded back and I felt I was just sitting right next to that Muslim village amongst all my Cambodian friends. Clothes and books arrived safe and sound too alhamdulillah.

Today is Sunday and Sundays are quiet and mellow in Siem Reap town. I remember sitting on the edge of the bed with my mum in that hot musty guesthouse and crying because we were homesick and just lost a big amount of money for our travelling expenses. How charming Siem Reap town was but nothing else mattered because we felt so lonely and lost. I remember sitting in the muslim village restaurant on evenings like now and watching children play at the compound facing the classrooms while waiting for English night classes to start. I can also clearly feel that moment of warmth when we enter that village and student of ours would call us "Teacher! Teacher!" after waiting for us to teach. Such thrilling moments and I realised I am still in Singapore now!

I very much long to go back but Allah has better plans for me....

No turning back now. I look forward to more life-changing challenges this year! :)

Teachable moments

2012-01-13T00:04:00.000+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

The past has long been gone. What matters most is now. Enjoying the moment of now. When you are really savouring each moment coming along your way, being busy can be such a pleasure. And when you do trip over a stone as you skip along your way, you can stand up and brush it off and not be faltered by it.

After a month or more of holiday, it can be such a drag to be back teaching again. It is all the more daunting to be starting from ground zero when you have a whole bunch of new kids and a new teaching assistant to work with.

Surprisingly, I am working ever harder and enthusiastically this year. Maybe I am well-rested or my mind has been set in the beginning to start a whole new working attitude.

It is not exactly smooth-sailing either!

Can you imagine a day of not having time for toilet breaks, a filled up drinking bottle on my teaching desk that cannot even be reached when it is only a few feet away and a growling tummy at the end of my session? And the never-ending whole new system of change with the new principal!

My students is another story altogether. They are so dependent on me on toileting I cannot even begin to start my lesson proper. I cannot stop talking because I have a student who is blind and needs to given updates of what is going on around him. I have a very anxious boy who constantly needs reassurance and a boy who never stops asking who what where when why how questions.

But I am truly having fun! They are younger than the rebellious, hormonial teenagers I had before. I cannot ever stop to say that are just too ADORABLE when all of them start yakking together. Today, I had the best time of all singing with them in music lesson and I could not stop giggling at my boy when he was singing with very exaggerated facial expression.

At that very moment of now, I felt so happy. I can never ask for more. Alhamdulillah.

Seeker

2012-01-02T14:47:00.002+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

Last weekend, I had a special time learning about being a seeker of God with great insights from many speakers internationally. There are so many things I'd like to share here. God willing, in the next post, it would be some snippets from what I heard and wrote.

Tomorrow is the start of my school's new term. I have many plans ahead in my mind that I would like to really do which includes my work, my studies, my character, my family and a lifetime's worth of commitment. I have not done any new projects and I have this urge or fire burning inside me to do something great. However, I feel contented staying grounded and take it slow as I build up the little things that comes my way. Surprisingly, the little things that come my way is keeping me so much occupied. They are enough to make me feel so blessed inside and out.

Don't forget that life in this earth is a harvest for the hereafter. So do the things you are asked to do on this land; prayers, working hard, earning money, kindness and compassion towards others, seeking true knowledge, being grateful and so on and on. However, while fleeting through your daily chores, the heart must keep beating "Allah...Allah...Allah..." till the end of time.

Inspired by Journey to Ihsan - the Seekers' Retreat event by SimplyIslam.sg.

My comfort

2011-12-22T23:27:00.000+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

See the cat above?

Yut has grown so big, healthy and a little mischievous. The last I wrote about the kitten who did not survive. This is the other kitten that survived. My grandma is a cat whisperer and she managed to keep Yut alive. So from the tiny little thing above to such a handsome, charming cat with the melting blue eyes.

Updates on Putih, the white mesmerizing cat I fell in love with back in the year 2010. Masya'allah...time flies fast. Well, he is still alive, well and very much bullied by Yut because he gives in to Yut's playful temperament. Putih is more quiet now the last I saw him and hides in nooks and crannies not wanting to be bothered.

Putih back in 2010...

Putih now. So I keep my distant...

Compassion

2011-12-16T00:33:00.000+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

Al - Rahman.
The Most Compassionate.
The Quran at every Surah starts with "In the name of Allah, the Most Compassionate, the Most Merciful." The Quran starts with Compassion and ends with it Compassion. Everything about it seems to be about Compassion.

Al - Rahim.
The Most Merciful.
Mercy is in the sense of compassion, love and kindness.

"And We reveal of the Quran that which is a healing and a mercy for believers..."

Surah Al-Isra:82

- Notes written at The Sacred Path of Love Seminar by Shaykh Muhammad bin Yahya Ninowy

What he said was beautiful. Islam is brought to me and everyone to heal our hearts from diseases and to be more compassionate. Shaykh Ninowy mentioned that Compassion is a true measure of spirituality. That would lead to increase in our faith and closeness in relationship towards Allah. Dethroning ourselves and to work tirelessly to alleviate the human's suffering, to stop inflicting pain unto others.

Do unto others what you want others to treat you.

Then why is it that now, violence seem to rage in the Muslim world and in many that I see?

When I am on Facebook, I see friends who have become extremists in their perspective towards Islam. Pictures of man in what seemed to be turbans worn by Muslim man holding guns in some foreign deserted land. I have even seen pictures of woman in black veils from head to toe carrying guns and flailing their arms showing "victory". I mean, is this the kind of images and impressions we want others to see. What kind of messages are we sending?

And it is so sad that it has to come from us, the Muslims, ourselves. We inflict this upon ourselves.

"Acquire knowledge of what it means Prophet Muhammad (saw) has amongst you or within you. So that you can be a Muhammadi in everything you do. Which also means Compassionate. - Quoted by Shaykh Ninowy

Then we will have to really understand our beloved Prophet (saw) to be able to understand what it means to have true love and perfect character. Then we will have to really understand the true meaning of the messages given to us in the Quran. Everything I read in the Book truly feels calm and comforting, so how could we be violent and filled with rage then?

"Genuinely care everything around us."

Death & Humility

2011-12-13T09:35:00.002+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

"When you die, you are mixed into the soil. You do not even know the beginning or the end. So do not walk arrogantly on the soils of this Earth. You may be stepping on the remnants of the people of the past. So do not walk arrogantly or the Earth will swallow you."

~ Shaykh Muhammad bin Yahya Al-Ninowy

All I can

2011-12-13T02:21:00.001+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

I can care so much
I can worry so much
I am willing to make sacrifices
To tame this unsettling heart
I try to open my heart and mind
To understand his weaknesses
I can give and give
And not expect any returns
I can hope and wish
That things will change
When things does not work
I can shed my tear
This is all I can do
This much is all I can

At the end of it all
I know that the One
Is the only One who can give him
Light to the right path
And protection from harm

Ameen...

Supplication

2011-12-06T05:58:00.001+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

What one wants for oneself, one must also desire for others. Islam induces man to share the good things of life with his fellowmen as his brothers. Islam teaches us that the more general a supplication is, the more likelihood there is of its acceptance. There are many sayings of the Prophet (saw) that corroborate this. For example, he told us that the prayer of a brother for his brother without his knowledge is always granted; and that the angels also supplicate for the sake of those who supplicate for the sake of others, saying, 'And may you also be granted a similar good.'

When a Muslim supplicates for others and wishes for them what he wishes for himself, and continues to do so over a long period, he benefits personally. It brings him nearer to Allah as well to his fellowmen. And he gradually attains to a state where his likes and dislikes merge and become one with the pleasure and displeasure of Allah. In addition, he is saved from moral diseases, like malice, envy, spite and hatred of others. Good and healthy feelings eventually become the hallmark of his social behaviour, so he is eager to help others and overlook their faults and is ready to forgive them.

He who helps his brother, will be helped by Allah. Another hadith as narrated by Anas reports that the Prophet (saw) said, "None of you can be a true believer unless he wishes for his brother what he wishes for himself.

~ Excerpt from The Book of Character by Camille Helminski

Beautiful read...

Passing by

2011-11-29T15:44:00.001+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

I have not any time or motivation to write. Or is that an excuse?
I do more and more to keep the time passing by.
Something is eating me inside and I know it is my faith.
I feel inclined to something more worthwhile
But fear has made me step even further back.
Something needs to be done...

Generosity

2011-11-21T23:00:00.001+08:00

"Generosity is one of the trees of the Garden which reaches down to the earth; whoever takes a branch from it will be led to the Garden by that branch."

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Its alright...

2011-11-14T23:34:00.001+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

Beautiful song by Corinne Bailey Rae.
I changed the lyrics.
And made it feel like Allah is saying,
"Its alright..." to me.

When I'm sad, He comes to me

With a thousand smiles, He gives me free

Listen its alright, He says its alright

Take anything you want from Me

Anything.

I wear hoodies:)

2011-11-11T22:06:00.001+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

Its nearing the school holidays for me and teachers are anxious. I was anxious this morning. Our school is revamping and there are major changes in the near future. Some good news and some not so good.

As for next year in 2012, I will teach in the morning and will be taking nine teenagers again. More teenage angst, rebellion, hormonal chaos, puppy love, crushes to look forward to.

The best part is cycling to work in the morning and smell fresh morning dews and to be able to see the sun rise again. I will have afternoons to myself and not waste the morning away preparing for lessons like presently. No more sleepy afternoons in class. A fresh new year, a positive new start and a whole bunch of lovely characters.

I asked one of my most blunt and honest students this afternoon, "Who do you want to be your teacher next year?"

"I don't know."

"What if I tell you its me?"

"I don't believe you."

"Do you like me to be your teacher?", I waited and grinned because I knew what his answer would be.

"No."

"Whyyy? Is it my face? My teaching?"

He pointed with his finger and circled it around my face. "I don't like your face. All that and your hood."

I couldn't help but laugh at his reply. I liked the way he mentioned my hijab (scarf) as a hood. Still, he is my favourite student. I love his replies. They are surprising and comical.

What innocent beings. May He bless them:)

Fill it in

2011-11-11T00:51:00.001+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

Children.

They suck all of your energy yet fill your hearts with sweet innocence.
That sweet innocence gives us more liveliness in our lives.

I remember that same positive vibe when I worked amongst the kids in Cambodia. I miss that.
Amidst what seems to have faded in this world, working and assisting people and children make a lot of sense.

Every morning, I wake up and I have to be ready for this two china boys. It seemed daunting in the beginning. However, I realized they were sent to me because it was what I needed or my life would be very empty. These past two weeks of teaching them, my day is set and I keep going without feeling any strain, stress or tiredness alhamdulillah.

They are very much like the Cambodian kids. So much enthusiasm and determination from Hussein. So much selfless and gentle character in Mubarak. It reminded me why I want to be doing what I am doing. It reminded me to be of character as well.

My days seemed to be brighter, fulfilling and filled with positivity. I thank Allah for filling my life with blessings.

One of them is hesitating and is considering going back to China to his family instead of studying here in Singapore. I really hope he does not. Its only been a few weeks and it does not feel right for him to give up. Going back would only mean poverty, poor education and less opportunities.

Please pray for them to have strength and faith and make the best for them in their affairs.

Seriously...

2011-11-10T23:28:00.001+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

Pull yourself together please...

Seriously...

Spring Onions

2011-11-08T23:22:00.001+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

As promised, though late :P

Every time I think I will snap a picture of the spring onions, I leave the classroom forgetting.

The tallest it has grown so far.

Chillies and spring onions in healthy condition.

Another one peeking through soon:)

I'll end with nice music. Blessed night everyone.

The Herb Gatherer 2

2011-11-07T13:33:00.000+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

The Work-in-progress (WIP) is starting very slowly but steadily.
I enjoy it and take every moment of idleness to get on with it.

Eid ul Adha

2011-11-06T23:59:00.000+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

Eid Mubarak to you and everyone!

I would like to take this moment to share the Eid khutbah given this morning.

On this day, let us all reflect on Surah As-Saafat, verse 100 - 107 on the sacrifice of Prophet Ismail a.s. by his father Prophet Ibrahim a.s.

As-Saafat:100

My Lord! grant me of the doers of good deeds.

As-Saafat:101

So We gave him the good news of a boy, possessing forbearance.

As-Saafat:102

And when he attained to working with him, he said: O my son! surely I have seen in a dream that I should sacrifice you; consider then what you see. He said: O my father! do what you are commanded; if Allah please, you will find me of the patient ones.

As-Saafat:103

So when they both submitted and he threw him down upon his forehead,

As-Saafat:104

And We called out to him saying: O Ibrahim!

As-Saafat:105

You have indeed shown the truth of the vision; surely thus do We reward the doers of good:

As-Saafat:106

Most surely this is a manifest trial.

As-Saafat:107

And We ransomed him with a Feat sacrifice.

Reflect upon the sacrifices made by our parents. Think of the same old hands that used to cleanse us, feed us and clothe us without asking anything in return. Reflect upon the relationship between Prophet Ibrahim a.s. and Prophet Ismail a.s.

For parents, have we taken the steps in having the characteristics of Prophet Ibrahim a.s.?

As for me, have I taken the steps in truly sacrificing for my parents despite all the challenges?

In having righteous children like Prophet Ismail a.s. in the future, it must start from us.

How can we understand the true meaning of sacrifice, obedience and loyalty towards Allah and our family?

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Self determination

2011-11-05T08:43:00.001+08:00

Students at the Singapore Botanic Gardens fascinated by swans.

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

Self determination
Is not a quick fix
Or total independence

Self determination
Is a long process
And is interdependent

Self determination
Is not self esteem
It puts self esteem to work

- Special education conference

Well, teachers need self determination as well to be able to give that to students.

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Seeking peace

2011-11-02T22:53:00.001+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

Picture taken from here.

A simple, sincere and genuine lifestyle.

What does it really mean to me?

I think it is like siting down, and taking my time to write a personal letter romantically, traditionally with pen and paper. Not emails, texting or iPhones.

It means waiting for the arrival of the postman to send you a letter of reply. Not complaining how slow the internet connection is and clicking into your inbox impatiently.

It means lots of patience, waiting and hoping. It means time spent for thinking and reflecting. It needs quiet undisturbed moments. Like how it should be when you meet Allah five times a day.

What would you do when you have to write a letter to someone you truly love? You will want a private space for your thoughts, a nice pen and a clean paper. You will want to be prepared for it because you want to express your feelings as best as you can.

That would be like how when we get ourselves ready for prayers. We take our ablution and ensure we are as clean as possible. Choose a peaceful area in our room. Place our clean prayer mat nicely and adorn ourselves with sweet smelling praying attire.

Because we are about to date our One true love.

Honestly, I wish I can live truly with that thought and seek those kind of peacefulness.

How to, when my environment is filled with distractions that leave us cold and empty.

Sounds of traffic, hurried feet and shuffling of shoes, robotic voices, meaningless conversations, superficial materials, tall concrete buildings. They all feel so soulless, dreamlike and leaves me in a state of unconsciousness.

It starts from cleaning up the contamination in our lifestyle and practices....

"Oh Allah, guide me and give me the best in all of my affairs to keep my heart at rest in order for me to be closer to You."

Inspired by this.

Simple happy 2

2011-10-31T23:15:00.003+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

I love this. It makes me happy every time I see it. It makes me want a super cute and silly best friend to look out from my window every morning and go, "You again?"

Taken from bananenblatt.blogspot.com

I had an awesome day today. There were a couple of simple happy moments to look forward to.

1. Of course, the first would be that cute picture above. It is like how it is every morning for me when I open my eyes for the first daylight and I see my cat sleepily staring down at me from my study table. To my realization, both of us always and I say always wake at the same time.

2. I gulped down a nice cup of coffee hoping it could keep my engine going.

3. The two Chinese Muslim boys from China arrived for their first English session with me today. I have taken up the offer to help them catch up with reading and conversational English to get them ready for the entrance test to our local schools. They were very shy but I am sure in days to come, they will start to open up. I think they are really sweet and reminded me of the boys in Cambodia.

4. Shoots appeared from my onions! My students were making so much fuss about it after waiting so patiently. Too bad I don't have pictures. I probably got too excited as well. A picture tomorrow insya'allah.

5. It was raining and I cycled in the rain. Raindrops and chilly wind beating down on my face was just epic. Haha.

6. I scared my cousin away for not bringing his maths and science textbook. Not something I should be looking forward to. But I kind of liked his guilty look. Very cute.

Alhamdulillah for the day. Time to sleep now.

Guide

2011-10-31T22:10:00.002+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

"May Allah guide the guidance"

I remember those words by the first person who gave me my first real outlook about life and drove me out of my shell. It was just empty words at that time. Now, these exact words mean so much and so sweet to me. It was a prayer asking Allah to guide me since my name Huda means "Guidance".

Life for rent

2011-10-30T21:56:00.001+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

But if my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy

Well I deserve nothing more than I get

Cause nothing I have is truly mine.

- Dido

Our life is truly for rent isn't it?

Nothing belongs to us forever and nothing is permanent.

We are renting the earth and our present life

To collect as much reward as possible

To do as much good as possible

And one day,

All of us have to vacate this place

And move on to our reality world.

Heaven or Hell?

Choices

2011-10-30T00:28:00.001+08:00

Allah gave us the ability to act. Without His will, we are not able to act upon anything. How do Allah test us then if our good and bad actions are determined by Him?

Well, He gave us the ability to make choices. If we are to choose to commit sin, Allah will give us the ability to do so. If we choose to perform good, He will grant us the ability to act upon it. Based on our choices, Allah gives us rewards and punishments.

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Simple happy

2011-10-26T23:03:00.000+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

There are many things to be thankful and happy for. We have to just really "see".

Such beauty isn't it? I love how the sun shines down on it every time I enter the classroom.

The chillies are growing. Some of my students were frustrated at how the rate it is going. Some are just as excited as me to see the outcome. I have 3 more weeks till the school term ends and I hope I can see real Chilli Padi sprouting. Then they can bring it back home to enjoy it and hopefully, take care of it. The spring onions are not progressing yet. I hope it does sooner because I am curious how it would turn out.

I went around Arab street with my mum today to find a nice basket for my travelling companion. There is a shop selling baskets of all types from floor to ceiling. It was basket heaven! It was tough deciding the colour and shape that I want. The man at the shop stared at me in frustration. So I finally decided on a dark brown weaved basket.

I've been cycling to work everyday now. A 20 minutes ride from Tampines to Pasir Ris. It is amazing how much guts I have riding through the expressway. I was nervous but now, I am getting used to it. It is very satisfying riding through Tampines Eco Green and pass through nature, breathe fresh air and reach my school on time alhamdulillah. At the same time, I have to be on alert and remind myself to make good intention and recite a Doa for protection before I leave home.

Shared by a friend. I found this a great motivation and a reminder to why I am doing what I am doing.

Alhamdulillah for everything:)

The Herb Gatherer

2011-10-19T10:58:00.000+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

It seems like infinity since I fiddled with my hands.

Well, not really...

I've been given a gift that requires special attention, patience, accurate counting and a good pair of eyes from a special lady.

I continued it.

You started it.

See the difference Aunt Michelle?

Whole-heartedly?

2011-10-18T23:44:00.002+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

Inspired by this.

Whole-heartedly? To God? Or to something?

I had experiences when I fall into a deep attachment towards something or someone, not realizing that it is the first step towards the edge of the cliff. And when you are so deeply obsessed with it, you forget yourself, your principles, your sensibility and more importantly, your God.

While you are at it, the next thing you know, you lose that object or that someone. And that is the next step to falling off the cliff.

If you are lucky or if God still wants to give you that special chance, someone out there might grab you in time to save you or you master the art of flying.

Time and time again, God saved me and I straighten myself again, brush my shoulders and walk away.

One experience after another, I learnt that if my heart was dedicated to something else, there would not be any space for God. If I forget Him, I will forget myself and drown.

Honestly, it is not an easy feat to give your whole heart and soul towards Him alone. We are humans and we do have some attachment towards the world and we really cannot help it. I can write this down for myself but then, we are forgetful lots.

However, as they hit me again and again, I try to dodge away as much as I can. I get bruises here and there but really, they fade away soon enough. So like how I deal with the lusts and desires of the world, I fall, pick myself up and thank Allah for not leaving me in the deepest pit:)

My pride

2011-10-17T22:19:00.001+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

My pride and joy:)

Now I can cycle to work.

Just need a little tweak.

Change the basket and its perfect.

Stranger

2011-10-16T22:48:00.000+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

I met a stranger last night on the way back from class. He was a 54 years old Chinese man. The same age as my Dad but very short and petite.

It was a strange yet well intended encounter that I was sure was His plan. It was funny how it started. We were in the lift at a train station and my mum said to me, "I think the trains will end late on the weekends." And he replied, "It ends at 12 tonight." That was how the conversation started.

I liked the conversation we had. A Chinese man who married at 17 years with a Thai woman. However, he was divorced after 17 years of marriage and his wife and son left to stay in Thailand. Now, he stays with his aged mum and dedicates his time and care for her.

He was a simple man adorned with a white polo t-shirt and pants carrying a black laptop bag which kept his stuff instead of a laptop. I loved how he talked about how our life on earth is temporary. He mentioned to live within our means and not chase for dreams that are extravagant.

"We spend only when it is time to eat, to drink and what is necessary. Sometimes we enjoy a little. Life is like that. It is hard but we pass through it by working hard then we die." He put it very nicely and simply. It was very comforting to know. I wish I meet someone like him. It was such a peaceful statement to me amidst all the frustrating and superficial things I see around me.

If this man was a Muslim, he would be a good and acceptable one insya'allah:)

The only thing that was missing in his statement was the purpose of passing through this temporary world and our ultimate end goal.

For him, he probably believed in reincarnation. He pointed out that he wanted to be a dog in his next life. "A free and easy life is how a dog's life would be", he assumed. I jokingly replied, "Just act cute and anyone will give you pats, cuddles and free food."

For us, it would be Jannah insya'allah.

He gave me one last advice, "Don't worry too much. Don't think too much and live simply." It hit me on the head.

When he reached his station, we wished each other all the best in life and he left.

We didn't get his name.

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Appreciation

2011-10-15T00:08:00.002+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

When you are not bogged down with spiritually demoralizing things, you do see how worthwhile your life can be. I guess it has always been my nature to be free-spirited, doing things on my own.

I have done some beautiful things this week which I fell in love doing again.

Teaching. Sharing. Guiding.

Nature. Experimenting.

Organizing. Beautifying.

It is not like I have never done these things, but I am seeing them in a different light. I find comfort in my students. I find comfort in trying new things and seeing pretty innocent beings. I feel thankful that I am surrounded by positive influences. I feel thankful that I can see such positivity amidst all the unknown. I pray it continues.

What do you see in your life that you can appreciate?

Beautiful poetry

2011-10-12T04:26:00.001+08:00

We will live like king
Under lavender
Skies
Skies

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Lavender Skies

2011-10-11T01:04:00.000+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

We will live like kings

Under Lavender

Skies

We will live like kings

Under Lavender

Skies

- Sang by Vanessa Carlton

An amish quote

2011-10-08T23:43:00.000+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

I heard a quote by an Amish girl on television,

"Sometimes we are so busy entertaining each other that we forgot our relationship with God. Only to realize that we are entertaining and serving satan."

I agree with her. We are so busy trying to please others or create attention to ourselves that we lose ourselves and what we are supposed to be focused on. Most of the time or almost at every second, I see this on Facebook.

Allah's tough love

2011-10-08T09:46:00.003+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

I can plan a lot of things, feel a lot of emotions, or look forward to a new life. I can think everything belongs to me, that things are under control and be sure that it will all work out. However, I would only be living in a dream-like state and be delusional.

In reality, all the above are destined by Allah and sometimes, however you try, it will never work out.

If we forget that Allah determines it, you and I will definitely feel disappointed.

However, I have learnt that I should not feel disappointed because it only means that Allah has other plans for you. Allah is the Most Wise. He knows the best things for us to get us prepared for the later parts of our lives.

The tests that I had for the past year or so has been tough but I realized they were what I needed to help me grow and realize what I want in my life and what I do not want in life. The people you meet, the good times and the bad moments helps me read myself and keeps my feet on the ground about my expectations.

I learnt that the tests and challenges were Allah's plan to purify me. Alert me about my state. Strengthen me.

So really, there is no reason for us to feel disappointed. Allah does not disappoint us. He loves us so he tests us.

Thankfulness and patience is what we need to hold on to in times of calamity.

Second thoughts

2011-09-28T00:16:00.001+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

Is it okay to have cold feet when a person is especially nice to you but yet you're afraid or overwhelmed by the feelings?

Is it okay to have second thoughts so that you will make a wise decision?

There is a saying that "Second thoughts are ever wiser". I know reflection is very important in Islam. So is it wrong for me to stop and think again about my actions and a major decision in life. Would that be considered fickle-minded?

Is it possible to love someone or something and yet be doubtful about the person?

Is it okay to not be hundred percent sure about anything and yet you trust Allah?

I am so annoyed with myself.

Mushroom

2011-09-22T21:18:00.001+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

Wanna try something so simple and yet so amazing? A teacher friend shared a simple recipe that caught me by surprise.

1. Lay the portobello mushrooms on an aluminium foil facing up.

2. Sprinkle a pinch of salt and a generous amount of pepper depending on your taste.

3. Wrap the foil and place it in the oven to grill.

You'll find the juice from the mushroom collecting in the middle (the reason why it should be faced up because the juicy part is the bomb!) Once it is done, you can just eat it as it is hot, chewy and juicy. The pepper and salt really brings out the flavour of the portobello mushroom. A great healthy night snack:)

Enjoy!

Waves of emotions

2011-09-22T01:53:00.002+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

I cannot comprehend the thoughts I have these days and need time to understand what it means. I can sum it all up to fear.

The fear of entrusting myself to a whole new life and not knowing what to look forward to. The idea of "leaving" my family, putting up with another and the major shift of routines, my work, my independence. I feel I am not capable enough to face these changes.

What more the thoughts of my past encounters with people I met talking about betrayal, abuse, and especially, the recent encounter of this family. I am scared to fall into a deep pit like these people. Will I be able to face up to the challenge or will I drown like them?

I know it is silly to not have experienced these things and yet here I am being overly paranoid over nothing. However, I feel the need to put this guard up to defend myself, trying to put things in place or a back-up plan in case something happens.

I chanced upon an article this evening. Answers came pouring in...

"...perhaps Allah subhanahu wa ta`la (exalted is He) plans out these brief phases in our lives, so that He may paint for us a bigger picture."

"It is high time that we stop putting our ultimate and deepest trust, happiness, and love in people, places, and objects, because we will be disappointed."

"When you trust in Allah, and place all your affairs in His hands, you will never be let down."

I realised then that firstly, I need to have faith in Him to readily accept whatever challenges thrown to me even if it seemed daunting. Secondly, I need to trust Him instead of my "back-up plans" to keep my affairs in order. I can plan and do so much but it will never happen without His permission. Thirdly, if I do fall into a deep pit, I can still find true comfort, peace and tranquility in the remembrance of Allah. There will always be hope, a way out of some sort.

More importantly, all of the above and everything else are temporary. Like said in the article...

"So that He may show us that we are on a train on which one ticket stub has been torn off in the womb, another when we came into this world, but the third and final stub awaits until we enter either paradise or the fire of hell, may Allah swt protect us all. Maybe Allah swt wanted to make us realize that we have no real reason to be sad, or that we cannot hope to find pure happiness in things belonging to this world because eventually, inevitably, “everything will perish” (Qur’an, 55:26)."

Im a traveller passing through this temporary land and picking things up that can assist me in my journey to my next life. Reminder to self...

Give all my love

2011-09-20T01:57:00.002+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

On quiet nights like this, it is the best time to think and jot things down.

I received news that my grandma's kitten passed away. It was found in the morning hard and stiff. It was not the death that pains me but that it died because he was separated from his mother. How lack of love and affection could leave him cold and empty.

As for my companion of almost 14 years, I thought he was on the verge of death last night. He was not himself and his eyes were distant and empty when I called him. He was not breathing well. It was as if he was transported to a different world. My heart sank at the thought of losing a silent friend. I whispered a doa that Allah will make it easy for him to go and gave him the longest and gentlest caress. Today, he seemed slightly vigorous. I hope.

Sometimes giving the extra love and attention could give someone the extra little strength and determination to keep going. So give all your love and care to someone right now. It will do wonders insya'allah.

Salam

2011-09-18T00:24:00.001+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

The most beautiful thing I've heard today,

"When both of you part ways for the sake of Allah, after that meet again for the sake of Allah and Salam (muslim handshake) each other, both of your sins will expiate from each and every of your fingers like the flowing water...."

Like how my faith goes up and down, my conviction towards such and such moves like a wave too. At one time, I could be so sure. At another time, I feel the jitters too. I've been treated and respected well so far and that is very assuring alhamdulillah. Though most of the assurance need to come from my own as well as my trust towards the One and the Almighty.

A good man

2011-09-13T09:41:00.001+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

Sometimes the people you meet teaches you things about life.Ramadhan may have ended but when Eid comes, it is not always joyous foreveryone. Some are blessed with abundance of food and new clothes. Even simplethings like a peaceful and worry-free life can be so much appreciated. It isonly when I meet such people do I realize how lucky I am to have a greatfamily, especially a great dad.

One such family who came tonight reminded me how thankful Ishould be.

A few months ago, I was alerted by a family living across meafter hearing shouts of a men and cries of a woman. I looked out the window andsaw a dark man pointing fingers at a lady carrying a baby. He was about to beather when a neighbor stopped them. I was so appalled and disgusted by the manand the whole situation, I almost picked up the phone to have the police comedeal with him.

Who would have thought, a few months later, tonightespecially, the same people came to my place tonight. This time, only the ladyand her two young daughters. The dark man who I found out was apparently, herhusband and their father. It is such a sad situation for this family of four.

What is an Indonesian wife with an abusive Singaporean husband to do? She cango nowhere because she is not a Singapore citizen and neither is she able towork and fend for herself. He does not work, and is very short tempered and isnever involved in his daughter's development. He threw a glass at his daughters for making too much noise and claimed he was disciplining them. The wife got punched when she says the wrong things or is involved in his "matters". What kind of a man who makes his pregnant wife walk miles because he has no money for public transport? Not even a dollar.

While I was preparing tea for them, I tried talking to her daughters and realized their little girl cannot speak astring of English words and neither does she understand English. My worry is for the girls who seemed to be quite influenced by their father's violence.

I am easily agitated by this because of such close and similar encounter with my aunt. Sitting down and not doing anything about it is not how I can take such things. I know I cannot be involved in husband and wife problems but I know my mum and I can commit time to educate her daughters.

I am not sure if I have observed enough to make suchassumptions. However, I find that when a family lacks a good leader, a goodfather with basic moral values, the sons or daughters do not turn out well. It is a vicious cycle. Apparently, this dark man has childhood problems on his own to deal with before he can change to be a better man and be ever ready to deal with his own family.

I thank Allah for my dad and my family. My dad is a good responsible leader, a loving and caring husband to my mum and an affectionate father to me. He strives to be closer to Allah and is humbled when he seeks knowledge. I have never ever seen my dad raise his hands or lay his hands on my mum violently. Neither has he shouted at my mum. In dealing with crisis, he is calm and composed and makes firm decisions. He protects me and my family. May Allah reward him with the best and forgive him for his shortcomings. May Allah grant me a man best for me in this world and in the hereafter, just like my father.

Ameen.

Breaktime!

2011-09-05T17:45:00.006+08:00

In need of a breakie!!!

Teaching

2011-08-25T04:22:00.001+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

I thought my teaching days would get by easier. But it gets more and more challenging everyday. It always feel like the first time when I step into my classroom dealing with the underlying emotional issues the students are facing. Things are not as simple as it seems when you discover the type of lives and home background they grew up in. They seem to be in layers and layers of problems waiting to be uncovered.

What do you do with a student who has an impulse or the pressing need to steal even after you've talked to her, disciplined her, got her to attend a crime prevention talk and yet, a couple of minutes later, you catch her looking into wallets and with lots of money coming out of nowhere?

What do you do with a boy who shouts at you and denies you every other day?

Or an overly sensitive girl who has anxiety attacks when she thinks that she has burdened me?

Sometimes I try my very best and sometimes I am just clueless.

Sometimes I do what I think is right and find myself wrong.

Sometimes I find myself speechless or find myself raising my voice.

Or stare at them point blank unsure what I should do next or if I should do something about it.

Yet still love them unconditionally,

When they laugh and giggle genuinely.

Or cling to you saying they love you.

Then I realized maybe that is what parents feel. Disappointments after disappointments, hurt after hurt, mistakes after mistakes, parents love them. I am not a mother myself and I only face them 4 hours each day everyday. What is my challenge when their mothers are dedicated and committed to them for the rest of their lives, like it or not?

It got me a bit emotional and sad when I was observing my students the other day. What must it feel like being on a wheelchair with so many limitations and being stared at when they step into the world? Even when they do want to step into the world, they are confined in their homes hidden away from the world. Yet strangely and comfortingly, they giggle and chatter away without any care in the world.

Even so, I know Allah is watching over them and really, that is better than anything else in the world. And they've got it:)

The Sea

2011-08-24T02:00:00.001+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

Waiting for sunrise at Yogyakarta.

Couple of minutes later, the sun peeking at Yogyakarta.

I realised something.
I haven't been to anywhere nature, sun and sea for quite a while.
Like cycling along the shore.
And stopping at my favourite and secret spots.
While watching planes take off.
The one simple thing that pleases me.

At school, I encountered a short and sweet poem from a children's book. I fell in love with the whole book instantly. The poems centered on summer days and the nature around us. The poet is very witty as well.

THE SEA

Footprint eraser.

Shoebird chaser.

Sand replacer.

Earth embracer.

~ Douglas Florian

Wich leads to another beautiful sea tune.

A couple of days left of Ramadhan people!

I'd do it all again

2011-08-21T02:48:00.001+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

"Someone to love is bigger than your pride. Is bigger than the pain you got. It outruns all of the sadness"

Nothing to do with what I am feeling now. Still, I want to share this inspirational and deep meaningful song. That when loving someone, we've got to put our pride down and our ego away. Have humility in your relationship with people. Also shared by someone, that in times of difficulty and in moments of disagreements, separation should never be an option. Work things out and be thankful of the life, of the person that you have. All conveyed beautifully in this song. Enjoy and reflect:)

Ramadhan Journal Day 20

2011-08-20T08:11:00.000+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

Clearing up messes take a lot of guts. It means a lot of things. It could mean parting with it or facing up to it or it could mean change. And this Ramadhan, I want to clear the "messes" in my life so I can start anew or be spiritually renewed.

Clearing up my mess would take quite some time and needs special commitment. It should not be drastic so I do not get withdrawal symptoms. Otherwise, I would be back to square one or maybe worse. Finally, I threw out the approval letter. I cannot stand social networking anymore. It is total disruption for me. Though it frustrates me that I cannot fully deactivate it because I would come back for it again. The only way which I think might work is to gradually pull away from it.

So many tests I have encountered in the months before and I think I am even more weaker in faith than before. I wish to regain strength and perseverance.

Just in time, it is the last 10 days of this blessed month. Keep the night alive people!

"Those who are patient in adversity, and true to their word, and truly devout, and who spend in God's way, and pray for forgiveness from their innermost hearts before dawn. God offers signs - and so do the angels and all who are endowed with knowledge - that there is no god except God, the upholder of Justice: there is no deity but He, the Almighty, the Truly Wise. Witness - the only true religion in the sight of God is self - surrender to Him."

Mess

2011-08-18T11:00:00.001+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

Overwhelmed. Now where do I start clearing up this mess.

Ramadhan Journal Day 17

2011-08-17T23:30:00.003+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

After a long day of track and field and running around the park...
Muslim student: I want to eat.
Teacher: You're fasting isn't it? Did you bring money?
Muslim student: No, I take money from Teacher. [pointing to me]
Teacher: You're fasting right?
Muslim student: [nods head and sits at a corner]

If it was me, I would have given in to him and have him eat. My heart would have gone out to him. But on the other hand, I know they could do it even if it is not obligated for them. I would have thought that I am the stronger person because I was not a least bit tempted by the food. However, I realised my students had more willpower and determination than anyone of us who are used to Ramadhan. They were so close to breaking it, their eyes were so glued to their classmate's food and they were...chewing tissue! Poor angels.

And yet, they were still on it. Still fasting.

It got me reflecting about having my own kids. What would I do to nurture them about the virtues of Ramadhan and to overcome the challenges of fasting? At the same time, how can I make them love and feel the beauty of this blessed month without imposing it on them?

I found some great links written by dedicated and heartfelt mothers and individuals, which I hope inspires me when I do get there insya'allah:

- This shares valuable tips on how we can nurture children in the month of Ramadhan.
- An all time favorite of mine especially for teachers like me. This has wonderful, do-it-yourself, inexpensive resources and ideas to involve kids in activities related to Ramadhan.
- The Ramadhan calender that I intend to do when I do have little ones. A great idea.
- This is just ever so helpful. A Ramadhan activity planner.
- And to encourage little kids to pray, a little kit or "props" for a Solat role play could be fun right here.

My students are great reflections for me everyday even when I do not realise it. The most beautiful I've seen is seeing one of them performing his prayers on his wheelchair. If they could commit to it, why not us?

May Allah bless them and have mercy on them based on their limitations and capabilities. Ameen...

Ramadhan Day 14

2011-08-14T17:24:00.000+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

Its almost half the month of Ramadhan. Alhamdulillah, I do not find it swifting past me despite my working and rushing to the Mosque. I find it very comforting. Then on the other hand, I also discovered myself, the good and the bad. The bad ones are hard to take in but I accept them and try my hardest to change little by little.

I am also trying to learn new things as I look forward to a new transition of my life in the coming months. I am trying to get into the momentum of doing and discovering more things on my own, rather than depending on my mum. Like grocery shopping, budgeting, saving money, cleaning the house, learning and experimenting new recipes. Also, I feel the most important is to plan my time properly. It is daunting but I have to get used to working, managing the household and insya'allah, continue my studies. That is what is giving me the jitters because I am not sure if I am able to handle in my own hands.

I have to think of others and less of my own. I have to be less selfish to put it directly.

To a new life, a new me and more insya'allah:)

Love at its best

2011-08-12T01:28:00.001+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

The daylight's fading slowly...

The time with you is standing still...

Its like a dream...

Although Im not asleep...

That was exactly how I felt at the top of an old building of apartments somewhere in nostalgic Bugis. I was in awe by the view and mostly by the presence. He said that the view brought about the feeling that nothing else matters, the problems we face didn't matter anymore. He mentioned how the specks of people below each had weights on their shoulder and their minds occupied with their own challenges but the world still keeps moving.

The sea still flows, the clouds still floating across, the Singapore flyer still turning, cars on the roads keep going, lights still on and businesses could still carry on. But really, what I am facing is just one of it, a speck of it, so it really doesn't matter. My problems, your problems and everyone's really does not matter.

It was at that moment that I felt reassured, safe and secure. When really, he didn't have to say anything. The silence was comforting. I pray for the best for us.

Inspired by him and this.

"And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquillity in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought." Surah Ar-Rum [30:21]

Ramadhan Journal Day 11

2011-08-11T23:45:00.000+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

Imam Ali said, "Four things are most difficult to achieve:

to forgive when angry, to be forbearing in the face of oppression,

to be generous in times of scarcity, and to be abstinent when alone."

It is not easy to restrain my anger and unease when someone pushes you to the edge of the wall, is insensitive to your feelings and bug you about things you do not want to be involved in.

Someone has broke my streak of peace and calm. Sometimes moving forward is tough enough but when you find the past bugging and chasing after you on ends, it is a different challenge altogether. It is the same familiar painful distressed feeling.

Another trial in this blessed month. I resent myself for being so affected by it when clearly, it is over and meaningless. I resent myself for losing control.

Then I found this...

Suffering uncovers human frailties and literally pushes the reasonable person to his knees, so to speak, at Allah's door, in quest of relief and the mercy of his Lord. The Prophet of Allah s.a.w. said,

"Let each of you turn unto Allah in every troublesome matter,

even when you are pained by the thong of your sandal,

for even that is a trial."

~ Remembrance and Prayer pg. 91, Muhammad Al-Ghazali

Oh Allah, assist me in remaining cool and patient when I am being confronted again. Ameen.

Ramadhan Journal Day 10

2011-08-10T02:09:00.000+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

Taken from here.

I think the most challenging part of Ramadhan for me is having to detach myself from certain matters of my own and of people I care about. Sometimes even while I pray, these thoughts come in and I feel so much regret and sadness. And this challenge has somehow heightened in this blessed month with past memories come running back. Its Allah's trial for me I know.

And recently towards the month of Ramadhan, a father of a cambodian friend in Siem Reap passed away. News reached us in the middle of the night and words can't describe how distraught he must be. Let's pray for their wellbeing. I recalled the chief village talking about how this elderly man lasted long whilst a young man died of a motorbike accident in the bumpy roads of Cambodia. Who would have thought that a couple of months later, this elderly man would leave this world? Death reaches us in unexpected and unpredictable moments leaving me to fear of my own state.

Reassurance

2011-08-10T01:40:00.000+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

The slightest phone call
The little messages
Left a tinge of sadness
Now i'm given a difficult task
That I can't face
But I can't be selfish
I have the jitters
I need reassurance
Oh Allah, I need to be sure
Give me reassurance.

Ramadhan Journal Day 7

2011-08-07T23:45:00.001+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

I like how Ramadhan makes me disciplined. I like how my mornings are after the pre-fasting meals and after the dawn prayer. My little feline friend has a new hangout place and accompanies me in my room while I do my morning prayers and readings. It is funny how these little things motivate me to fully utilize this blessed month.

I love how my funky prayer mat lures me to Him. I created a cozy reading corner for myself to encourage me to read. I roll on perfume on myself and on my prayer mat to keep me rejuvenated when I wake up for night prayers. Like my cat, its my new hangout place this Ramadhan.

Now, what do you do to motivate yourself in this month?

Cafe song

2011-08-07T22:56:00.000+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

The perfect coffee and tea song. Enjoy:)

Ramadhan Journal Day 3

2011-08-03T22:59:00.000+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

I like being hungry and light these days. You would have thought hunger will leave us weak and limp. However, I am only physically weak but spiritually, I feel awakened. I am more calm, I speak less and I am not led by emotions. I am so much more aware of the things I do and what I say.

It is amazing and I read this in The Book of Character by Camille Helminski:

"If the stomach is filled, then reflection falls asleep, wisdom falls silent, and the limbs take rest from worship."

And I think it is true. When your stomach is filled with "good" food or when you overeat, we tend to get really lazy, which is why the 1/3 food rule comes in handy.

At the end of the day, it is all about keeping everything in balance. Keep going and have a blessed Ramadhan!

Ramadhan Journal Day 1

2011-08-01T23:06:00.001+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

I thought I would not be able to catch some time for my day one of Ramadhan writings. But now I do alhamdulillah!

The first day is a little bit of a struggle as I try to pick up the momentum of waking early, going to work, and then rush back home to break my fast and then be out of the house again to the Mosque for Isya' prayers and Terawih. This will go on for a month and I wish it does not pass by fast. I really don't want to be in a rush all the time. I just want to be at ease.

But I like how we are chasing for prayers and getting up really early to meet Allah, rather than chasing for our worldly matters. I feel grounded.

Let me share a little snippet of what I read in The Book of Character by Camille Helminski.

As - Sadiq said, "If you fast, then fast with your hearing, sight, feeling, and your skin; and stop all actions undertaken for show or actions which harm people. You should treat the fast with respect. The Messenger once heard a woman insulting her slave-girl while fasting. The Prophet then called for food, bidding her to eat, but she replied, 'I am fasting.' 'How can you be fasting while you insult your slave-girl?' Fasting is not abstention from food and drink alone."

- Haeri, Prophetic Traditions of Islam, p. 120 (Qurrat al-Uyun, 268-279).

Sometimes I forget that fasting is a wholesome therapy of oneself. A short and sweet reminder for you and me insya'allah. Blessed Ramadhan everyone!

Pre-Ramadhan Journal

2011-07-31T18:15:00.001+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

Ramadhan is in a few hours time.

And just today, I feel the blessings of His love when two families meet in the path of Allah. This time, all I want is to feel at peace and for my Mum and Dad to feel at ease. Simple, no hustle and bustle, sincerity and love in the path of Allah. Meaning, we bond for the sake of Allah and if we have to separate, it is only for Him.

The sacred month is in a few hours time.

I shall throw all burdens aside and have myself grounded. I have made some little preparations on my own. Again, I don't want a month jam packed with activities enough to leave you empty handed. Going back to basics and renew my spiritual relationship with Him because that is what I need. This month is going to pass very fast and I hope I am able to make it through.

It seems cliche to be prepared for Ramadhan. But you can't deny you have to have goals in order to achieve something. I have a few in mind and I don't want to have too many as well to get overwhelmed and burned out. Then it would defeat the whole purpose of improving oneself and being closer to Allah.

* Morning Quran Recitation: I have started this and neither am I going to finish the Quran because that would be too much for me. However, if you have not, a few verses every morning with consistency is good enough insya'allah.

* Night Prayers: Make it a point to wake for night prayers when our prayers and needs are mostly answered. I find this time the most sincere because no one sees you and it is a private and intimate time between you and Allah.

* Improve my relationship with people: To love Allah, you need to love people. It is not easy especially when humans are naturally judgmental and selfish. But it is a good start to soften your heart and ego and increase our faith. This also means no gossiping and backbiting.

* The 1/3 food rule: It is a desire most people fall into and that is to overeat. But still, it is possible to achieve. 1/3 food, 1/3 water and 1/3 air in our precious stomach insya'allah.

As Ramadhan go by, I may have more goals to add in to challenge myself a little and day by day. What are your goals for this sacred month?

Tea time

2011-07-29T08:26:00.003+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

This time, it is Peppermint tea. One of my many favorites. I am quite at peace now and very blissful. Quite and most likely, I am back to being me again alhamdulillah.

I came across this verse from the Quran in The Book of Character by Camille Helminski:

"The human being was born restless; but truly in the remembrance of God hearts find rest." Surah ar Ra'd 13:28

Today it is the last Friday of Sha'ban. I want to welcome Ramadhan with a new well-being. I will start on my Ramadhan writings again. I hope it could be more consistent than last year's. I could not keep up with the updates of my Ramadhan last year but hopefully, this year would be better, as well as rejuvenating for me.

People come and go

2011-07-22T00:44:00.002+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

Last night, I teared over something hurtful. Why could people love and feel adoration over something or someone at one time and then be able to pretend like it never existed in the first place? Sometimes, they might even find means to avoid it at all cost, shutting it out from their world.

Is that the only formula to moving on?

It could be someone pushing you out of your life, "unfriend" you on their friend's list, or it could be someone telling you "this is it".

It is not pleasant at all. It makes you feel like you did something so wrong to deserve such treatment.

Why do we lose people along the way throughout your life? Sometimes even doing the right things, or making the right decisions would mean losing a friendship. Why do people come and go?

Today, someone significant said, "...Marriage and friendship is set by Allah. May Allah replace what we've lost with something or someone better..."

Which reminded me of something I've found recently:

"In life Allah doesn’t give you the people you want, instead He gives you the people you need. To teach you, to hurt you, to love you, and make you exactly the way you should be."

So people come and go to make an impact, leave a mark, and teach you something. I understand now. May Allah guide us. Ameen.

Delete it

2011-07-18T01:36:00.000+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

Tonight, I have resolved to delete the text messages.
I didn't know it would be so hard.
Reminded me of the good and bad times.
But I did it alhamdulillah.
One step towards moving on.
One heavy weight lifted off my heart.
Now the approval letter.
That will have to wait.
Okay, get to sleep Huda.

Rice field

2011-07-15T00:20:00.001+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

White tea with raspberry infusion from Marks & Spencer. This is currently my favourite relaxing cup of tea. A gift from Aunt Michelle. I miss her. She was such good company.

What I miss the most is the rice field at Yogyakarta. We moved to three places and the final one was in a wooden hut right in front of a rice field. I wished we could have stayed there from day one. But I guess it was not meant to be. It is so beautiful in the morning and in the night.

When night falls, and because we were away from the city lights, you could really see stars. I wished my camera was good enough to capture them but my limit is only through words. I would have definitely laid on the grass patch and admire them all through the night till I sleep into dreamland. However, aunt michelle was tired and I was too afraid to go alone.

In the morning, I woke up early as usual to see the sun rise and the sky change colour. I walked above a wooden plank and watched the rice field sway from the light breeze while water from the mountains flowed underneath me. Its too serene I was probably enchanted by it all.

I noticed an old man watching me from a distance.

He walked on.

Above the concrete plank.

Gave me one last look and walked away.

The Birthday Party

2011-07-14T21:38:00.003+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

A day in the life of a Special Needs Teacher...

Me: Let's discuss who's gonna bring what for Aishah's birthday party tomorrow. Kolby? What are you going to bring?
Kolby: Water.
Me: Okayyyy. How about Nicholas?
Nicholas: I am going to bring eggs.
Me: Alrighhhttt....please bring hard boiled eggs. Not raw ones.

Its going to be a birthday party of the lifetime alright. Haha:)

Little pieces

2011-07-13T23:11:00.000+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

I have been out of sorts of late. There are some drastic changes in my life and I am trying to adjust to it. But they are good change. It is I that need some adjustment. I know what I need. The calmness of the sea after the great storm. But even after the storm has subsided, there are pieces that needs to be picked off shore for rebuilding.

I have moved on but I didn't do two things. One is to delete all the messages. Second, throw the marriage letter of approval. I don't have the guts to. Not yet.

But it does not mean I am going back or hoping to go back. Because I am not insya'allah. It is like a piece of creamy sugary cake, so nice and pretty on the outside but so sinful on the inside. That is how I see it. When you know how bad it is on the inside, the beauty of it does not tempt you even one bit.

I have been taking up lots of things lately. I call them my distractions. I took up debating. I made new friends from all over the world. I go for youth meetings and I am well starting on a project for December insya'allah. I even rekindled a friendship turned to...not sure how it will turn to, but it is sweet nonetheless.

Life's like that

2011-07-06T00:12:00.001+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

Life's like that.

The past one week or so, I've learnt so much about people's feelings and emotions. How emotionally attached we can be and how much we can be so hopeful and in such a state of denial towards the things or the people we want.

But the thing is, how hard or how much of an effort would you make to have what you want?

And how much do you trust Allah to accept that sometimes you might get it and sometimes you might not even if you cry blood and tears?

Life's like that.

When they do have someone or something, they take it for granted, they make comparisons and they are not thankful.

And when that thing you have disappears, you only realize how much you miss it and finally remember the fun and lovely moments together.

But by then, it is too late to make amends.

Life's like that.

How much a person treats you harshly and how much he/she doesn't get it, even after you've sacrificed so much to make them understand, you still care because Allah says to treat everyone kindly.

Even when you know you will never get anything in return from that someone but Allah's approval.

Life's like that.

So be the best person you can be in Allah's eyes, that will lead to the sweetest ending. Ameen ya Rabb.

Thankfulness

2011-07-04T17:51:00.002+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

"When you see a blessing in your life, you say "Alhamdulillah" and you say "Alhamdulillah" because you just said "Alhamdulillah" and you say "Alhamdulillah" because you were able to say "Alhamdulillah" and you say "Alhamdulillah because God gave you a chance to say "Alhamdulillah and it goes on and on and on..."

- Imam Muhammad Abdul Latif Finch

This is how Shukr manifests in us.

*Alhamdulillah means "All praise to Allah"

Notes #7: Patience

2011-07-02T15:29:00.000+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

It is one of those God-given relaxing Saturday afternoons that I love because I have had a crazy week. So I want to share the next part of my notes as promised insya'allah. Last night, once again, after attending ustad's class, I have gotten my answers to an unsettling matter. Ustad explained Surah Luqman Verse 31-32:

In verse 31:

"Do you not see how the ships sail through the ocean by the grace of Allah so that He may show you some of His signs? Surely there are signs in this for every patient, thankful person."

Allah wants to picture total fear and helplessness and show His amazing signs in the sea. In order to understand and accept the signs, we must be Patient (Sabr) and Thankful (Shukr). Why people are not able to grasp the truth of Allah's signs is because they are not patient enough to see it so they turn away from it.

Patience (Sabr) is like bitter medicine. It is not pleasant to taste but it is a cure. However, when taken often, one becomes immune to it and do not feel the bitterness anymore. In fact, they might even feel the sweetness of it.

In Thankfulness (Shukr), it is a higher level of Sabr. It requires bodily actions to show your gratefulness and happiness towards our daily affairs. So it should be our goal to attain this.

So remain steadfast in good and bad circumstances.

In verse 32:

"When any giant wave covers them like a canopy, they pray to Allah with all devotion making their faith pure for Him. But when he delivers them safely to land, some of them falter between belief and unbelief. None reject Our revelations except the treacherous and the ungrateful."

When in trouble, it is in man's nature to hold on to a particular belief or a source of enlightenment to the heart. However, when the calamity is over, they do not admit the truth and claim their "belief in God" was a state of weakness and delusion, but in fact, there is no "God". As soon as they land safely on shore, they either become upright in their belief, lose some of their belief or lose it completely.

Why is it so?

True religion has demands, commands and prohibitions. And again, it is man's nature to be overpowered by whims and fancies to not want to be controlled by prohibitions in religion. They do not want to be bounded that is why some people find other "religion" to "suit" them best.

To which, it leads to how we teach about Islam. Do not start preaching Islam with Halal (Permitted) & Haram (Prohibited). Talk about the beauty and attributes of God first and then talk about compliance in religion.

May Allah make it easy for us in our daily affairs. And forgive me if my notes are lacking.

Looking back, I am not sure if I held back my emotions appropriately. May Allah forgive me if I was not patient or thankful enough.

Just ask

2011-06-29T00:14:00.000+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

In my trip to Yogyakarta, I felt most at peace when Aunt Michelle and I broke our fast and watched the sunset at Raku Boto temple. You could hear the sound of Azan (the call for prayers) in all directions echoing through the temple walls.

My favorite travel mate.

Eating dates for breaking fast.

Reflecting together.

We just sat there in silence and I watched the sky change colours and the city lights from afar. It is always my favorite part of any trip. When I was in Cambodia, I teared at the sight of the sun setting because it is a sight so amazing, a sign of Allah's miracle and a reminder to the world that it is time for Maghrib, it is time to remember Him.

It is at these moments that I can really talk and cry to Allah swt, say what I wish and ask for what I wish. Tonight I cried and cried to Allah so that my heart will be at ease, that he will be guided properly and that both of us have the best in all our affairs. I miss him so much but it is said that the best sacrifice is to let go of someone because it is the best for him. And sometimes when letting go, it also means that he is not the best for you. I trust Allah...

Words of peace

2011-06-26T22:01:00.000+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

Before I sleep, I would like to share a little something that comforts me after all that has happened. My mum lovingly said, "If you miss him, talk to Allah." So I will.

"Oh my Lord, don't leave me to myself, to my nafs, for even the blink of an eye. If you leave me to myself, I will perish."

Mystical

2011-06-26T21:00:00.000+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

It was full moon on the first night we watched the Ramayana Ballet in open air. So beautiful.

The lake outside the hotel window in the wee hours of the morning. I stayed up just to catch this.

The magnificent Mount Merapi. We saw so many destruction, not by the lava of the volcano but from the heat and ashes. Amazing how much has been wiped out.

Locals try to make a living from the volcanic eruption.

On a lighter note, let me share about my travels in Yogyakarta:)

"Travel through the earth and see how Allah did originate creation: so will Allah produce a later creation: for Allah has power over all things." 29:20

Travelling makes me think about the things around me, the people and its nature. How Allah can create something so beautiful and yet have it wiped out in seconds. The reason behind all these is for us to reflect on His creation and His power.

Reason behind it

2011-06-26T10:03:00.004+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

I woke up this morning sobbing again realizing that last night was not a nightmare. But I must remember what my dad said, "Say Alhamdulillah. Allah loves you that is why he shows you the signs again and again in order to protect you."

Yes He loves me. I know it. Allah put me into this test and yet he supported me in subtle ways. I wondered why my brother joined me last night. Now I know. Allah sent him to me because He knew I would need him. I can't imagine how I would be able to take it if my brother was not there. When my brother hugged me in the taxi home, I knew I should be thankful for all the good things and the bad.

A friend sent me a message this morning and I thought it is especially true, and exactly what my dad had said last night:

Sometimes people come into your life and you know right away that they were meant to be there... to serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson or help figure out who you are or who you want to become. You never know who these people may be but you lock eyes with them, you know that very moment that they will affect your life in some profound way.

And sometimes things happen to you at the time that may seem horrible, painful and unfair, but in reflection you realize that without overcoming those obstacles you would never realize your potential, strength, will power or heart.

Everything happens for a reason. Nothing happens by chance or by means of luck. Illness, love, lost moments of true greatness and sheer stupidity all occur to test limits of your soul.

Without these small tests, life would be like a smoothly paved, straight, flat road to nowhere safe and comfortable but dull and utterly pointless.

The people you meet affect your life. The successes and downfalls that you experience can create who you are, and the bad experiences can be learned from. In fact they are probably the most poignant and important ones. If someone hurts you, betrays you or breaks your heart, forgive them because they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious to whom you open your heart.

If someone loves you, love them back unconditionally, not only because they love you, but also because they are teaching you to love and open your heart and eyes to little things. Make every day count. Appreciate everything that you possibly can, for you may never experience it again.

Talk to people whom you have never talked to before, and actually listen. Let yourself fall in love, break free and set your sights high. Hold your head up because you have every right to.

Tell yourself you are a great individual and believe in yourself, for if you don't believe in yourself, no one else will believe in you. Create you own life and then go out and live it.

"If you take your eyes off your goals, all you see is obstacles."

"To love and win is the best thing. To love and lose the next best...."

Time to move on.

Story ends

2011-06-26T02:04:00.001+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

The sadness and pain I felt tonight is indescribable. As I sobbed and cried my way to the lift, down to the lobby, in my brother's arms, I can only ask for Allah to ease my heart. Ya Allah...ease my heart....Ya Allah...ease my heart...Ya Allah...ease my heart... Tell me, have I made the right decision?

The goodness I can get out of it is that I have met such an amazing woman. She reminds me of me, she inspires me, she understands me, she is like a mother to me. My only regret and sadness is through the whole process of knowing him, I realize I've lost myself, I've lost my confidence and my spark. The girl I was once, my love for people, my love for travel and my love for volunteering has died. I hate it when I am so weak!

Healing takes time. I will pick myself up again. Allah put me through this in order for me to learn and be stronger out of it. And now that Allah has taken me out of it, I have to learn to be patient and let go. It is not easy though. It is like as if I can't breathe and someone is squeezing my heart.

What is the plan for me now? I don't know. I leave it to Allah and trust Him. If it is meant to be, it will be. If it is not meant to be, it never will. I just want to sleep but I can't. Istighfar...istighfar...istighfar dear Huda. Cause I am such a strong, firm and gentle young lady and Allah and my family is behind me supporting me when I fall.

People come and go. So the story ends.

No, its the beginning...

Train ride

2011-06-21T09:52:00.000+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

I am back in Jakarta, Bintaro again. We arrived last night from Yogyakarta by flight and I am having Post-Yogyakarta syndrome. At the same time, I am confused because I am still not back home to Singapore yet. It all seemed so fast it seemed to have past by in a flash. I was supposed to update daily on my trip but I decided not to bring my laptop and just bring a pen and a notebook to record things I think are worthwhile. Plus it felt great not getting in touch with technology. So here goes...my holiday ramblings.

I woke up last Friday morning to find Aunt Michelle performing her night prayer. Then I remembered that I am in Indonesia and that I am going to Yogyakarta in a few hours time. I took my ablution and joined her. I love mornings in the Suburbs of Bintaro. You can hear the roosters and the faint voices of people reciting Quran in the nearby mosques. Once the clock strikes Subuh (morning prayer), you can hear many Azan (call for prayer) all at the same time.

In the train going to Yogyakarta, it was a 7 hours ride. It is such a big highlight for me. It wasn't the destination and it wasn't the itinerary laid out for me in Yogyakarta that I was harping for. It is the one simple thing I love. Long train rides.

I realized how beautiful Indonesia besides Jakarta. In fact, it is mostly made up of vast lands, rice fields, farming and mountains. Well, that is how I see it from my seat window. It was what I wish for. Away from big cities and car horns. I am starting to fall in love with the nature part of Indonesia.

But its a long and tiring journey. I look out the window and then I doze off. I open my book to read and I doze off. Aunt Michelle and I kept on munching cookies, nuts and chips from our food bag. The television on the train played Indonesian music videos on repeat.

Yogyakarta...here we come:)

Getaway

2011-06-16T22:53:00.000+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

It is only just in time that I am in Jakarta now. Yup, I arrived in Jakarta last night away from the hectic life of Singapore. But really, running away to all corners of the world does not mean that there are no tests from Allah. You can never run away from it. I find myself getting more trials on my way here to Jakarta.

So far, I have been traveling and taking flights a couple of times, no one ever asked about my name, race and religion. But strangely last night, at every checkpoint, everyone seemed to be directing the same questions at me. Like it was a conspiracy. First they read my name like it was some foreign gibberish. Secondly, they scanned me coldly with my headscarf on. And then they ask the most unexpected question, "You muslim?" I felt like strangling them and retort, "Duh!" But of course not, it was just wild imagination. So there were variations: "You convert?" "You Chinese?". It was amusing! The final and last interrogation ended at Jakarta airport.

So here I am, Alhamdulillah. Phew...truth to be told, I was a little paranoid traveling alone because I read in the newspaper earlier in the day about two Singaporean ladies who had to strip naked and do squats when they were held back at the Immigration checkpoint in Johore Bahru. Horrible isn't it? The world these days...

Now that I am here, I miss my family terribly. And being here, looking at his pictures is making me miss him so much. I have not heard from him since i-don't-know-when. But I know that I have to ask myself again and again about what I really want. And I feel so weighed down because I have not much time left till July to make a decision. The thought of it makes me cry. And since my mum is not here by my side to give me some advice, the only person I can turn to is Aunt Michelle, the lady I am living with now in Jakarta. Also, Allah for some guidance.

On a more positive note, I just had a very painful massage and fell asleep after that. Dreamt of all kinds of strange people living in this house. Then I woke up feeling rejuvenated. At least, now I can start my work and plan for my lessons. It is so quiet here. I miss hearing my mum and dad's voices.

This morning, I played guessing game with the workers in the house Ani and Hani. They were trying to figure out an english recipe book and needed help translating. Well, I can't speak Indonesian and my malay is such a shame. Sometimes I wish they speak Mandarin then it wouldn't be half as bad. But really, fun is the key. So I got out my laptop and went on Google Translate to help them out. It was funny.

The best part was I got to tag along to the local markets in Bintaro. It was very similar to how Geylang market is like in Singapore. It is very lively and at the same time, awkward for me because I could not understand a word they said and I could not speak a word at all. I felt foreign. If not, I would have asked 101 questions. Another thing was I felt like a giant because Indonesians are very petite small people even for the men. I finally felt local when Ani and Hani unexpectedly got up a van without doors. And I realized I was sitting amongst the locals in a public transport the Indonesians used to get around. Reminded me of my Tuk-Tuk ride in Cambodia. Since the van had no doors and I was sitting right at the entrance, I was afraid I was going to fall off or something. Of course I didn't. It was more like exhilarating with the wind blowing on my face!

Tomorrow in the wee hours of the morning, I will be going for a 7 hours train ride to Yogyakarta with Aunt Michelle. We bought lots of snacks to munch on during the grueling journey. Cookies, chips, nuts and juice. Snack frenzy! Repacked my bag to travel light and of course not to forget my traveling companion, a book to read.

Ani went back and I was left with Hani who was watching me ironing my travel clothes. I tried to start a friendly yet torturous conversation with her because of our language barrier. And we ended up talking about boys and fashion. Hehe...how cute:) Then I gave her a shawl and got very excited to show her the Hijab tutorials on Youtube. Apparently, she has never used a computer and was surprised. Then we tried on the various ways to wear the shawls in front of a giant mirror in the living room. For a moment, I felt like a young teenager giggling along with Hani who is only 20 years old.

Finally, the day ended with carrot cake and green tea plus a long conversation with my mum on Skype. Hearing my dad and my brother growling and whining in the background feels so comforting. Traveling alone is hard plus the many things circling in my mind, I feel so helpless.

Oh well, its a new day tomorrow and it is going to be one hell of an adventure feasting sights, sounds and taste buds. All the best to me and to you as well:) Goodnight and sweet dreams...

Things took a turn

2011-06-08T10:51:00.002+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

Strange how things took a turn.

I made this yesterday. I remembered making it whole-heartedly. I was genuinely happy.

Now it is sadly sitting in the refrigerator. I am still contemplating if I should put my pride down, my sadness and disappointment aside and just have it send over. I am not sure if I can do that. I am afraid to face him.

I miss my determined self. I used to be so forward. I miss volunteering and seeing the world. I have not been myself lately. I must must must do something about it.

Next week, I will be going to Jakarta and then to Jogjakarta. I thought I was looking forward to it but last night, I almost cancelled the trip. I have not cancelled it though but I need to search for a purpose to be there.

In Siem Reap June 2010: At a lady's house visiting her son who I suspected has Cerebral Palsy.

On a good note, I found that there are special schools in Cambodia and recently, a colleague of mine told me there are more special schools opening up in Myanmar. I am excited. It is my expertise and I feel I could contribute so much in that sense. I am not sure how to make contacts from here though. I have to do more research.

Though I found the following worth reading.
- Special Education in Cambodia
- Rights of children with disabilities in the education system of Cambodia
- Inclusive Education in Cambodia
- Thailand: Providing Special Education to Burmese Regugees

Alright, enough brooding over my problems. I am going out to run some errands.

So much to do. So much to look forward to:)

What to do

2011-06-07T19:09:00.002+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

Positive + Negative = Negative

That is what most of us learnt in school isn't it? I've always thought it didn't make sense. Well, maybe it does. In a relationship, that is. If someone tries hard to be an optimistic influence to a very pessimistic person, and the negativity still persists, and if he keeps going on and on, it will only create a strain in the relationship.

I am not sure if I have tried hard enough. I am probably not patient or supportive enough. Or maybe I don't really have anything good enough to say to make someone feel better.

Well, I do know that trying to be positive has made me extremely tired and cry enough buckets of tears. It is hard when I feel I haven't been given an opportunity to say how I feel, or open up more. It is so stressing that a person doesn't listen to me enough. He probably would have heard me, but he was definitely not listening.

I feel so pressured. Loving a person is one thing. But can I live with that someone? That is another thing. My heart says yes. My mind says no. What do I do? It is heartbreaking.

:'(

Istikharah it is.

Slippers

2011-06-05T22:48:00.000+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

Who could have thought that a pair of slippers could tap into the most sensitive part of your soul? Well it did.

After a movie date with my brother this morning, we were heading our way to get lunch for my family near the mall. The floor outside the mall was really wet due to the heavy downpour from morning.

Amidst the busy crowd, my brother and I heard a loud thud. Shocked, we turned around and found that an indian foreign worker, very simply and humbly dressed had slipped and fell on his back. Everyone looked on as he struggled to get himself up because his slippers were the cheaper types which had no rubber sole to prevent him from slipping. Even while he was getting himself up, the slippers just could not support him.

Finally, he did.

Probably embarrassed as well, he walked slowly and carefully away from the crowd.

I was just too saddened by then and looked at my brother in tears. I was so saddened by the fact that all he needed was better slippers. Whilst everyone in the mall were busying themselves for new clothes and shoes they already have, all he needed was something so simple and neglected, a good pair of slippers.

I was reminded of the time when I worked as a nurse a few years back. I encountered so many under privileged foreign workers who were victims of occupational hazard in their pursuit to earn a better living for their family back home.

I remembered the Thai guy who walked into the ward with an axe on his head. The indian man who had a heavy metal bar crashed his hands leaving his fingers hanging limp and another who had a rusty nail protruding from his feet.

Do their family back home know what they are going through?

Do we know that we have enough on our hands already, yet we want more?

I told my brother maybe we should offer him a new pair of good slippers. But my brother said that we should leave it as it is because people have their pride too and may not like it when they are treated out of pity.

But I know. I know Allah does not burden us beyond our limits.

Narrated By Abu Huraira: Allah’s Apostle said, “If Allah wants to do good to somebody, He afflicts him with trials.” (Sahih Bukhari Vol. 7, Book 70, #548)

Insya'allah, I pray that these people be patient enough to face the difficulties ahead of them. Patience will lead to a good end.

Words of wisdom

2011-06-05T21:51:00.001+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

"Think of what you can contribute in this relationship."

"Be cool like the water in a negative situation."

"Marriage is 70 times the reward that is why it is so hard. So be patient."

"You have so much love from your family. Share that love with others as well."

"Treat someone like how you love for yourself."

"Change your roles depending on the situation. Sometimes you have to be cool, sometimes you have to be firm etc.."

"Don't always sound like you know everything. Don't always think you are superior. Be humble."

"Be gentle."

A collection of advices and words of wisdom from my parents to me in the countless times when I am helpless. What more can I ask for when I have mum and dad who loves me unconditionally? May Allah reward them for their efforts in bringing me up and forgive them for their mistakes in their role as parents. Ameen...

Notes #6: The Veils

2011-06-03T00:08:00.000+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

Once again, the sharing of my notes insya'allah.

Two fridays ago, Ustad talked about the veils that conceals our faith (Iman). We should be aware of the following that hinders our closeness to Allah.

1st Veil: Pride
We should not belittle others as they may be better than us. It is also said in Surah Al-Hujurat, verse 11:

"You who believe! People should not ridicule others who may be better than themselves; nor should any women ridicule other women who may be better than themselves. And do not find fault with one another or insult each other with derogatory nicknames. How evil it is to have a name for evil conduct after coming to faith! Those people who do not turn from it are wrongdoers."

Dark may seem ugly to you while white may seem more beautiful. However, when put together, dark and white becomes beautiful. Like how it is with day and night or black hair on fair skin. So do not have pride or judge what you think is better than the other. In Surah As-Saffat, verse 96:

"But Allah has created you and your handiwork!"

Do not look down upon Allah's creation.

2nd Veil: Compensation

There is one desire that is stronger than the desire for materials. And that is the love for being known. By casting a glance upon one's beauty in anything like our deeds, our form or our character, we will fall into delusions.

"Do not stretch your eye beyond, you will become a prisoner of that.

Whatever you cast a glance at, you will become a prisoner of that."

Do not be a prisoner to your delusions and detach yourself from it. All the beauty Allah has created serves only as an encouragement for mankind to perform his duty as a Muslim.

3rd Veil: Pleased and Deluded by One's Actions

In all the deeds that you perform, take notice for the defects of those deeds because Satan has some part of it, for example, ego. Allah looks at our hearts which, unfortunately, it is the greatest portion Satan takes from our servitude.

So, even how perfect you think your deeds are, we must always think that our good actions are in a state of negligence and need room for improvement. That is the rights of being in servitude.

Notes #5: Human Relationships

2011-06-01T20:21:00.001+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

Many fridays ago, Ustad Iqbal talked about a particular topic "The Role of Religion in Human lives, the purpose of goals of our existence and our responsibilities as His Vicegerents (Khalifah) on Earth". I wrote quite a lot in my notebook but I need to reorganize what I have written to understand it fully. However, there is one short snippet that I love and want to share with you because day in and day out, we meet people all the time and we are not really conscious about how we treat people everyday. So this is a little for you that might be easy for you to reflect and apply in your relationship towards others insya'allah:)

The Basis of Human Relationships

1. Unity & Respect
Hold back your evil for mankind for that will be a charity for you.

2. Mercy
Have mercy towards human beings and even animals.

3. Justice
Against one's own loved ones as well as the enemies. Be upright witnesses of Allah to establish Justice as it is closer to Taqwa (God-consciousness).

4. Equality

The Prophet (saw) said: "No Arab has any superiority over a non-Arab, nor does a non-Arab have any superiority over an Arab. Nor does a white man have any superiority over a black man, or the black man any superiority over the white man. You are all the children of Adam, and Adam was created from clay" (al-Bayhaqi and al-Bazzaz).

5. Reciprocity
Recompense what is good from good for all matters. If you do good, its for your ownselves. If you do bad, its against yourselves. Your reciprocity must be better than them or at least the same as them. If someone does bad, you have the right to transgress towards them but it is better to forgive.

6. Adherence to virtues
It can only be attained by a person who is patient.

7. Freedom
There is no compulsion in religion because guidance and falsehood has been set apart clearly.

8. Tolerance
Do not insult others who call others besides Allah.
"For you, your religion. For me, my religion." Surah 109:6

9. Cooperation
Allah helps His servants as long as His servants are helping his brothers. We are not bounded by ethnics. Cooperate in areas of good and matters of piety, not bad. Help your brother when he is committing injustice or when he is a victim of injustice.

10. Fulfillment of covenant and treaties
"And fulfil the covenant of Allah when you have made the promise, and do not break your oaths after ratifying them, and you have made Allah a Guarantor over you; indeed Allah knows your deeds." Surah 16:91

Start of the...

2011-05-31T13:15:00.002+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

Spot the cat :)

"The wise person is the one who pays attention to his time and does not treat it as a vessel to be filled with cheap things and vain talk. Instead, he limits it to worthy efforts and righteous deeds that please Allah and benefit other people. Every minute of a person’s life carries the potential to raise his own status and to make his people happier, little by little."

It is the start of the June holidays and it ain't starting very well. But I am very positive that my time will all be worthwhile and as much for the remembrance of Allah insya'allah.

I am supposed to be back to school today for a course but I've been dragging for too long since the Sport's Day event as an emcee, and then it never stopped. I was doing more stuff and sleeping late. Well, it has taken a toll on me already. Im a pampered sick girl today. Dad brewed chrysanthemum and barley for me. Mum made porridge.

While I am visioning how my long break should be like?

The Bowl

2011-05-29T11:00:00.001+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

I think its beautiful. Don't you think? So simple yet so intriguing.

I got this bowl yesterday from him. Sweet isn't it :) Looking at it makes me smile and warm inside.

Sometimes all you need is the most simplest and sincerest of things, a little love and a little thought to make a teeny tiny heaven. I pray everything goes in the best way for us. Ameen ya Rabb.

And a little song here to show how I feel now.

My playground

2011-05-26T07:21:00.000+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

As promised, this is my playground after work. Its tough walking an hour after work when you are tired but once I see greeneries, smell fresh air and hear birds, its all worth it.

I am always unsure which way I should take for that day because any path I go to, it is always full of surprises and beautiful things.

I am so hidden from the block of flats, cars and roads. It is so serene. I feel like I am Alice in Wonderland.

It feels so liberating when you can lie and sit on the grass patch. Minus the ants bite though. Hehe.

The joggers and cyclists must have thought I am a bit cuckoo in the head. But I had fun running to and fro from my camera. I felt like a little girl.

Have a healthy and blessed day everyone!

Indecisive

2011-05-26T06:53:00.002+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

We have some clash of goals especially when it came to our practices. And I hate it that we tend to sweep it under the rug. A mountain of problems will come if we can't unite with our arguments. I can feel it bursting at the seams anytime soon. I am not sure if this is what I want or if this is what I can live with.

"And hold fast, all together, by the rope which Allah (stretches out for you), and be not divided among yourselves." (3:103)

I really wish we can live up to that verse. But it is hard to talk to a strong-headed person who is bent on one way and is so negative about everything. Oh Allah, grant me patience.

My mind is tired of it. But my heart says otherwise.

Little bites

2011-05-19T08:47:00.000+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

Good morning world:)

Yesterday, I took a long walk to home from work. The usual place I used to walk last year over here. I stopped for a couple of months because the park on the right side of the pathway was under construction and my parents did not think it was safe for me to walk there anymore because there were many male foreign workers.

Amazingly, just recently, the park has been officially opened. I was so tempted to explore it after my work so I walked through there again. I tell you, it is so amazing! Masya'allah...

The moment I stepped in, I saw two Bangladeshi workers performing their evening prayers on the grass patch. Green grass were trimmed to serve as pathways instead of concrete. It was quite preserved and left as natural as possible with tall grasses, old trees, vines creeping through branches, ponds, and birds I have not seen before. Too bad I did not have a camera with me. But I found some amazing pictures on the net showing Tampines Eco Green. So I walked one round through the forest trail and made a promise to myself to explore more of it this evening or during the weekends. Ended it and saw the same two Bangladeshi workers trimming the grasses. The one thing that made my heart feel at ease and a reminder that wherever you are, whenever you are, prayers must be guarded.

So I shall pack my camera to work today to get ready for another adventure on Sunny Side Singapore. Only this time, it is within my hometown.

Before I end, I want to share some links that have touched me or inspired me in one way or another:

1. Been so enchanted by her. Love her more when she sings live. Here and here.
2. Being a lady, it does not mean you can't be a strong one over here.
3. As always, I am always attracted to the sun from anywhere and everywhere all over the world.
4. And I think this and this are just so beautiful!
5. Will explore more of this place today.
6. Made this for someone I love. Easy peasy:)
7. He rarely writes often. But when he does, he makes sense and inspires me.

That is all for now dearies. Have a blessed Thursday!

Hear me out

2011-05-19T00:22:00.002+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

Photo from Sya Taha.

Just hung up the phone. Waiting for my parents to return home. The person on the phone said, "I feel selfish because I realize sometimes you want to be heard as well."

It is only on nights like this that I feel truly like letting go. So how do I get heard?

Well, I do not really need anyone to hear me sometimes because my family is my foundation and pillar. They hear me all the time; my aspirations, what I want to achieve, my happiness and my disappointments. I know one day, someone, whoever, or whatever will take my parents' place and be the one hearing me out. For now, honestly, I haven't found anyone besides my parents who can truly 'hear' me out. Yes, people listen to me talk, they nod their head to acknowledge they understand, they interpret my messages and think they truly understood what I mean. But so far, there isn't anyone who can truly 'hear'.

Of course, I don't expect people to. Because they never will and no one ever will.

Only Allah truly hears me.

Yeah, I must remind myself that when I write my blog, it should be truly for Allah to hear me out. Then why, people may ask that if I want Him to hear me, why must I write?

Well, I have a mind full of thoughts and complicated things and it often gets too overloaded. Then I get a bit anxious. Writing is an outlet to organize my thoughts and try to make sense out of it.

But I get scared too. That this space will be something against me.

Seekinghuda. When I chose this name, my intention was to seek guidance to improve myself and seek myself to understand me better. So did I learn a thing or two when I read my previous entries? Yes, yes I do. Definitely. Alhamdulillah...

P.S. Im sorry if this entry is a little confusing, hard to comprehend or too random. But honestly, from the bottom of my heart, it was never meant for you to understand :)

Make it or break it

2011-05-18T22:07:00.001+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

Make it or break it?

In life, in all that you do, you have a choice to make or break things. You have a choice to make it good or break the mood.

A few days ago, I made the choice to break the mood, so I have to face the music, however hurtful it must be.

I am such a fool sometimes. I think too much, I make assumptions, I am not positive enough and I am not patient enough. And I have to bold this because I want it to be a slap on my face, a knock on my head and to give me a violent nudge to remind me when I read this post again in 10 years time or so.

So from now on, I'll try my very hardest to make it, think good things, and be more patient for all days as much as possible.

Deep down under

2011-05-16T21:32:00.002+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

So this is how it is going to be?
The silence is deafening
Bring melody back into my life
As my heart sinks

So this is the way it should be?
The tension in the air
Loosen the tightness in my chest
As my heart sinks

So this is how you show me?
How much you don't care
All I need is an answer
For my heart sinks

So are these the signs?
To question my doubts
Make it clear to me
Cause my heart sinks

So is this it?
This emptiness
Fill this void
As my heart sinks

Oh Allah,
Lighten my burden
As my heart sinks
Deep down under.

~ Written by me

Never good enough

2011-05-15T05:50:00.001+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

I never thought you are good enough
You are never this
You are not that
So I thought.

I compared you with Tom
You are never him
You are not that
So I thought.

I compared you with Dick
Not even close
Not even there
So I thought.

I compared you with Harry
You don't have 'him'
You don't have that
So I thought.

I even compared you with my Dad
You can't be like him
Not at all
So I realize.

So I realize
The problem lies in me
Nothing is ever good enough
None is like the other
I was unsatisfied.

So I realize
It was never you, but me
The one to compare
Is our Beloved Messenger (s.a.w)
But still, not an inch close.

You aren't like him
You aren't like that
You are just you
In your own special way.

- Randomly thought in the wee hours of the morning and written in 10 mins by me.

Anyway

2011-05-09T13:46:00.001+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

"Anyway" by Mother Theresa

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered;

Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;

Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;

Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;

Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;

Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;

Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;

Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;

Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and your God;

It was never between you and them anyway.

Quiet moments

2011-05-08T23:15:00.001+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

The morning did not start right today. I was a bit annoyed and confused with some issues I could not comprehend. So I argued with someone a little and decided that I should let it rest and find a proper channel to clear my doubts. I am unsure if I should discuss the issues here but I guess I will wait for my two teachers to reply my email regarding Da'wah and Tabligh.

Been having this unease around me this past two days but I am unsure what it is. Or I guess there isn't much to talk about these days except to just patiently wait. It hurts though because I miss someone so much and yet, things are just left hanging into the unknown.

So I decided that I should stay home today and have some quiet moments for myself.

Made Macaroni and Cheese for my mum, my brother who is back from the army today, and with the intent to share it with that special person but, yeah. Hadi came into my room and quietly revealed that he wrote a letter for my mum while he was on guard duty this morning. Then, he had the letter kept in his uniform and forgot to take it out which went into the washing machine. Haha. Luckily, he managed to "save" it in time. Wet but ink still visible. He had it dried and slipped under my mum's pillow.

I couldn't help but feel this warm fuzzy feeling in my insides when he said that. Another smile on my face ;)

Finally, I made another one of my projects and it turned out kind of cute and quirky. All in a day's work alhamdulillah!

Really, its all about contentment.

Its amazing how much I have wrote these days masya'allah. It is time I wrote something more serious insya'allah. Before I end, I would like to share one of mine and dad's favorites right over here. Dad in his younger days used to play the Harmonica and Guitar for this song. Sentimental indeed.

Blessed night everyone!

Unwritten

2011-05-07T19:31:00.003+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

...Staring at the blank page before you

Open up the dirty window

Let the sun illuminate the words

That you could not find

Release your inhibitions

Feel the rain on your skin

No one else can feel it for you

Only you can let it in

No one else, no one else

Can speak the words on your lips...

~ Natasha Bedingfield

I think the words above are beautiful. It somehow speaks to me. I do have some inhibitions when I want to be honest about what I say and especially how I write.

Its another beautiful Saturday Alhamdulillah. There are many things to feel happy about and these are some of them.

Changi Beach to East Coast Park and back to Changi Beach again. I found out the bike rental service is flexible and that means I have the flexibility to return the bike at any PCN pitstops. However, it is not an excuse to not finish the whole distance. And I did twice the distance of approximately 40km alhamdulillah. I enjoy venturing in nature alone because it is my time for reflection. There were a couple of moments that got me smiling while I was riding:

* A lady looked at me intently and said, "Hello". It gave me the biggest smile ever!

* A cheery teenage girl flailed her arms in excitement and greeted me.

* My bicycle chains came off while I was changing gears and when I struggled to fix it back and got my hands greased, a man came and simply put it back for me without me asking.

* A cranky lady shouted at me to "Keep to the left!"

* The staff at the bicycle rental shop chatted with me and asked how my ride was.

I felt like I had mattered in their lives, small or big ways:)

Best of all, I achieved what I came for in the first place. I did a lot of thinking about yesterday's post. My answer for it is simple. Whatever the outcome is, even if it seems bad in my eyes, there is always goodness and wisdom behind all of it. Even if it really did take a bad turn, no one should ever complain and take it in stride. No one should ever say, "I should have done this" "If I did that...". That would only mean that you are ungrateful to Allah. May He forgive me for all the feelings I had.

So to my dear self, please release your inhibitions:)

P.S. Oh! Oh! By the way, I did my first vote as a 21 years old!

Struggles of the heart

2011-05-07T00:30:00.003+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

Before I start this entry, I want to remind myself to be thankful and grateful to Allah for granting me this free will to write my thoughts here. Naturally, I think a lot and am very reserved. Sometimes I dare not think what would happen if I do not have this opportunity. Writing is so personal, intimate, free and one of my best forms of expressing myself. Alhamdulillah, a blessing.

Moving on, I've been experiencing these feelings lately; envy, jealousy, anxiety.

And it is so frustrating, shameful and despised by me to the point that it upsets me. Plus the fact that I have to face the verdict on Monday, it is causing all the negative vibes. What is worse is that I have this strongest gut feeling that I have to wait longer. I hate it because I feel so restricted deep inside me.

It is all a struggle because I know it would be most pleasing to Allah's eyes if they reconciled but I am not sure if I can bear the loss of losing someone.

It is a struggle because I know he has not gotten over it yet I have to try to be patient and understanding because healing needs time.

It is a struggle because despite being jealous of someone, I have to make prayers for her.

It is a struggle because loving someone would only mean to sacrifice and wait patiently.

It is even more a struggle as I try to fight these feelings of fear of entering a whole new phase of life. Am I ready?

Just looking at the above, I feel so ridiculously ridiculous.

Jihad of the heart and self is not easy...

May Allah forgive me and ease my heart.

Within the Suburbs of Bintaro

2011-05-06T10:41:00.001+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

Last weekend, Mum and I made a short weekend getaway to the South of Jakarta, Bintaro. We stayed in a Suburban home of a friend. It was very colonial with white-washed walls. Mornings were welcomed with the calls of the roosters and with the soothing calls of prayers from all directions. It was such a peaceful place I could stay in the whole day and read a good book.

We did not hang out in the bustling area of Jakarta. It was more like a homely visit for a purpose that will lead to something more blessed insya'allah. Despite that, I enjoyed observing how another family lived their life so much different from mine. It was then I realized how simple my life was and nothing that they had mattered much to me. In fact, I was quite overwhelmed.

What I mostly enjoyed was not the malls or the city street life of Jakarta. It was being in this moment...

I meet new people from all walks of life and from all over and we came together in the kitchen to conjure complicated Mediterranean dishes. They inspired me in their own ways.

I learnt to make Baked Salmon, Risotto, Salmon Dips, Caesar Salad and Peach Crepes from Leo, the aspiring chef from Manila. But really, it was not about the food. It was just being in the moment of humility and wanting to learn something together. It was so simple and beautiful. Just the way I love it:)

A nice spread made by Leo. Watched by us. Hehe.

For the most part, I miss Ani and Hani who reminded me that despite life being a struggle, never fail to look at it positively and doing it at your own best. May Allah bless all of you...

Long-awaited

2011-04-28T10:31:00.000+08:00

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

One long-awaited Work-in-Progress (WIP) done!

You can see the process here.